I've stumbled onto the singular last vestige of truth - that all the talented makers of shorts are now dead. They've been attacked, tortured and murdered; those who were not killed were turned into Iscariot-like shadows of their former selves, twisted and bitter, all semblance of colour sense lost in the blood-dimmed tide.
They now make board shorts - once for hardcore surfer skateboarder dudes with big chests, scarred shins and spiky hair - with floral patterns and pink colours. They make them with delicate green swirls, strawberries, and stylish purple blotches.
Is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with practical mens fashion?