Friday, April 3, 2009

What will you do when the zombies come? They'll be here soon.

So, courtesy of a plinky prompt, this week's topic (as is the title of this post) will be:

What will you do when the zombies come? They'll be here soon. What do we do?

Ok, so firstly, we need to think about what we know about zombies. Here is my (not exhausted) list:
  • they are the undead.
  • they want to eat your brains.
  • once they eat your brains, you will become a zombie.
  • they can only be killed by a bullet to the head, or by decapitation.
  • if you chop off an arm, that arm will still come crawling (Crawling? It's an arm!) after you.
  • whilst limber in life, zombies are strangely slow and dawdling in undeath.
  • they communicate via a strange noise, made by opening one's mouth slightly, and going "uuuuuuuaaaaaagghhhh".
  • they only want to eat living brains.
  • when deprived of living brains, they will mill about pointlessly, arms extended, making their zombie-noise.
  • for no apparent reason, they are scarier at night.
  • zombies are not intelligent.
  • it is likely that when the zombocalypse happens, nothing will be able to prevent it (mainly because it will start in a government facility, and so the people most equipped to deal with it will be the first zombies).
  • most zombies are American in origin.
  • zombies cannot swim.
So, there is the list. Now, having said that, we will need to establish a likely timeframe within which the zombocalypse shall occur. I'm going to be bold, and name the date. December 12, 2012, falls on a Wednesday, and so for no reason related at all to the Mayans and their ancient zombie mathematics, we'll assume that the zombocalypse is going to start on a Wednesday.

Next, we will need to establish from where the zombies will originate. I'm going to take three wild guesses, and say that the first zombies will originate from:
  • Area 51, New Mexico, The United States of America
  • Large Hadron Collider, CERN, Geneva
  • Salem's Lot, Maine, The United States of America
This means that it will take several weeks, perhaps months, for the zombies to mill about aimlessly in the direction of Cape Town. I'm going to hazard a guess, as well, that whilst zombies will once have been the pre-eminent minds in international military science, once they reach a state of undeath, they will have lost most of their knack for technical things, such as sailing boats, driving cars and flying planes. Perhaps they might retain their knowledge of riding bicycles though - you know the old saying after all - but I think it's likely that between Geneva and Cape Town, our zombie friends will encounter at least one puncture. And, you don't need me to tell you, there is no saying that goes "It's like fixing the puncture in a bicycle tire...".

So, having said that, I would say the only way for zombies to reach our Mother City, would be via an incredibly long, puncture free, bicycle trip through Africa. This presents an interesting question, one I have not thought of before: if you eat a zombie's brain, do you become a zombie? Because, dear readers, as you know, Africa is filled with starving people. My guess is that if hundreds of slow, dimwitted zombies were to start pouring into Africa, demanding brains with their strange zombie-noise, the starving Africans would realize that it's a case of eat or be eaten. This can lead to one of two situations: either the zombocalypse is ended in an African feast, or it's continued in an African feast.

Either way, I think it's safe to say that once this happens, it would be a good bet to leave the continent - we'll either be dealing with millions of brain-hungry zombies, or millions of brain-hungry cannibals who have tasted (once) human flesh, and now want more. It's natural to think twice, of course, but I know for sure that the cannibals want to eat me just as much as the zombies want my brain. I work in the city, and everyone knows that the 14th floor of a building full of people in a city centre is a well loved hangout for zombies and cannibals alike. I'm leaving!

And so - where do we go? Why, an island of course! Madagascar is the perfect place for living Capetonians. It's surrounded by the sea (I'm sure you've noticed) and so bicycle riding zombies and cannibals can't get to us (brain-hungry Africans are surely as technologically deprived as zombies?) there. We'd live a perfect existence, perhaps even better than the materialistic one we are currently faced with!

So, I daresay the unsayable. I am looking forward to the zombocalypse! The zombies are coming, and we'll live in harmony surfing and growing mealies! Bring on 2012, I say! Bring it on!

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